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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

- Are you the landlord? - she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

- Actually, no - he replies.

- Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him? - she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

- I'm afraid I can't - breathes the barman - clearly aroused.

- Is there anything I can do?

- Yes there is. I need you to give him a message - she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

- Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.

One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went. He said, "We're learning about sexual education." She smiled, and said, "At least he's learning something usefull." Billy went up to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and sees him jerking off. She says, "Billy, when you're done with your homework, supper's on the table."

What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
→ He was allergic to carrots.

You know you're getting older when...

- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

You Decide

'But that isn't a fair comparison. People like the Etch-A-Sketch.'

After admiring the above signature I thought I'd post a comparison, similar to the other great computer wars.

Etch-A-Sketch / Mac Classic

• No. of Colours: 2 / 2
• Resolution: ~2000 × ~2000 / 512 × 342
• No. of buttons: 2 / 1
• Preemptive Multitasking: Yes / No
• Hardware line draw: Yes / No
• Price: < $20 / ~$1000
• Power Consumption: No / Yes
• Laptop: Yes / No
• Slow Operating System: No / Yes
• Non Volatile Memory: Yes / No
• Choice of Coloured box: Yes / No
• Robust design (shakeable): Yes / No

After considering the above options, I decided to buy the Etch-A-Sketch.

For all you die-hard Amiga fanatics out there rumour has it that the Etch-A-Sketch-Emulator is coming out for the Amiga, and will in fact be faster than the true E-A-S.

Whats a blonde's favorite surgery?

A Slipodictomy.

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between boys and girls," and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,and closes the door. - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse. So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - ok, now take off my skirt... And he takes off her skirt. - now take off my bra. Which he does. - and now, johnny, please take off my panties. And when johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

A man wanted a big, verocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.

- He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog - said the buyer.

- Well, he's not bad - replied the owner, but I have something better in mind for you.

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

- Ah - said the buyer. This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.

- Well, no - said the owner. I have something better in mind for you.

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

- This is the dog I had in mind for you - said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted.

- You're joking! - he exclaimed.

- This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!

- I know, I know - said the owner. But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth.

Which day does a fish hate?
→ Fryday

What did the rain cloud wear under his rain coat?
→ Thunder wear!