Most viewed jokes

What do you call an armless, legless leper in a swimming pool?
→ Bob

It was so cold last week I saw a Lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:

- Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply:

- For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was:

- Just plant your potatoes.

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night time excersises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.

- Scared, Lieutenant? - I asked.

He replied:

- No, just a bit apperhensive.

I asked:

- What's the diffrence??

He replied:

- That means I'm scared with a university education.

Arnold Swartzeneger and Sylvester Stallone are making a movie about the lives of the great composers. Stallone says "I want to be Mozart." Swartzeneger says: "In that case... I'll be Bach."

Yo mama's teeth so yellow that when she smiles everyone sings, "I got sunshine on a cloudy day".....

Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants?
→ They always want to play leap frog with him!

Two nuns are riding a bike down a road and the first nun says, "I've never come this way before!" and the second nun says, "Oh, it must be the cobblestone!"

Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captains voice came over the loudspeaker:

- Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick.

Five minutes later he said:

- Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late.

A moment later:

- Er...sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected.

One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder:

- Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we'll be here all night ?