Most viewed jokes

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
→ The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)

In The Beginning was The Plan.

And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers and they spoke among themselves, saying...:

- It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth:

- It is a pile of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them:

- It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth:

- It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another:

- It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them:

- It promotes growth and is very powerful.

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him:

- This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and in these areas in particular.

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good, and the Plan became Policy.

This Is How Shit Happens.

What is chemistry's greatest achievement?
→ Artificial blondes!

Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
→ Cause their balls show!

- I was married 3 times - explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner.

- and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.

- That's a shame. - said his friend.

- How did it happen?

- She wouldn't eat the fucking mushrooms!

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.

They both decided it was time to get married.

So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

- Where will you live? - asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.

- Well - said Little Johnny:

- I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us.

- And how will you live?

- I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.

That should be enough.

Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked:

- And what if little ones come along?

- Well - said Little Johnny:

- we've been lucky so far!

A blonde says to a brunette:

- Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.

The brunette says:

- Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.

The doctor examined her and said:

- You have acute appendicitis.

The blond yelled at the doctor:

- I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.

The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.

So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

- I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working.

- Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!

- He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

- She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

- He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

- She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

- He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"

- She said... "No problem, I'll get you some that is."

- She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

- He said... It's not my fault... I ran out of money.

- He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

- She said... Well, you succeeded.

- Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'

- She said... 'Who's gonna look?'

- He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

- She said... No, have you?

- He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

- She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

- He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

- She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

- He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

- She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer - NO CHEATING!

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom :)

- You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.

- You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

- Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.

- The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

- The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.

- The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.

- If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."

- Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."

- Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

- You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.

- You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.

- The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.