Most viewed jokes

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.

- What about trying Viagra? - asks the doctor.

- Not a chance, - says Mrs. Murphy. He won't even take an aspirin for a headache.

- No problem, - replies the doctor. - Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

- Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.

- What happened? - asks the doctor.

- Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!

- What was terrible? - said the doctor, - Was the sex not good?

- Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years... but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!

What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking --

- Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too.

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say:

- Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say:

- No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?

Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants?

- Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

What do you call children who are raised in those naughty houses of ill-repute?
→ Brothel Sprouts!

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.

They both decided it was time to get married.

So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

- Where will you live? - asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.

- Well - said Little Johnny:

- I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us.

- And how will you live?

- I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.

That should be enough.

Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked:

- And what if little ones come along?

- Well - said Little Johnny:

- we've been lucky so far!

A guy goes to his high school class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty-five years he's very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.

- How have you been? - he asks.

- I've been fine, just fine - she replies. Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though.

- Bad news first, please.

- Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy.

- Oh my, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that.

- But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said:

- I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like:

- Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you.

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

- Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home - said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said:

- See! That guy was really stupid!

- No kidding - replied George W.

- There was a pay phone just around the corner...

- You could have called instead?

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Shultz, a lawyer, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the prosecution. The jury was out for nearly a week before they returned to court with the manslaughter verdict.

When Shultz paid the juror, he asked him if it had been hard to persuade the other jurors to get the charge of manslaughter.

- Sure did - the juror replied.

- all the others wanted to acquit him.

Which vampire ate the three bears' porridge?
→ Ghouldilocks.

- Caller: Operator! Operator! Call me an ambulance!

- Operator: Okay. You're an ambulance!