It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar.
- What will you have? - the bartender asked.
- I'll have a glass of blood - the first replied.
- I'll have a glass of blood, too, please - said the second.
- I'll have a glass of plasma - said the third.
- OK, let me get this straight - the bartender said.
- That'll be two bloods and a blood light?
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
- You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin!
- Alcohol is the blood of the devil!
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
- How do you know this, Sister?
- My Mother Superior told me so.
- But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?
- Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself
- Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life
- How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!
- I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
- Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks - then he lowers his voice and says to the barman:
- and could you put the vodka in a teacup?
- Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?
A cowboy walks in to a bar and says:
- I want a beer.
So after he drank his beer he was about to leave then he noticed that his horse was gone.
He shouted:
- if i dont get my horse back after this beer i am gonna have to do what i did in Georgia.
So he finished his beer and he saw his horse was back so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked out the window what did you have in Georgia? i had to walk home.
What's the definition of a lesbian?
→ A woman doing a man's job better again!
Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His work mates were understandably curious:
- Jack, what happened to you?!?
- It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the ass of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!
- Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?
- Naw... After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack -- so I tried to poke it back in.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, you already told her to shut up twice.
A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything ... the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc ... and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk. So she says to him:
- One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife.
About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's dick off, and throws it out the window.
Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three : husband, wife, and a 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter).
The observant daughter asks:
- Daddy, what was that?
Her father, still in a panic, says:
- Oh it was only a.....uh........butterfly.
- Must've been a big butterfly - replied the daughter...
- Did you see the size of it's dick!
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said:
- I was just being the Ring Bear!
A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked:
- Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?
- Well, yes, I actually did once.
- And how did your husband look?
- Angry, very angry.
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said:
- Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
- Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?
- He was looking through the window at us!
