TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's the new math
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It Floating Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
Why did the blonde return her new scarf?
→ It was too tight.
In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying:
- It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth:
- It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them:
- It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth:
- It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another:
- It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them:
- It promotes growth and is very powerful.
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him:
- This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and in these Areas in particular.
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.
And this is how Shit Happens.
Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel.
Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said.
"What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"
A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside.
- Do you believe that? - The workman exclaimed.
"Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."
After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house.
- Ah, what a pity - the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."
A partially deaf gentleman was extolling the virtues of his new hearing aid.
- It's marvelous - he enthused to a friend.
- Since I acquired it I can hear the birds chirping on the hearth. I can also hear clearly a conversation being held in an apartment a full block away!
- You don't say - said his friend.
- What kind is it?
The proud owner consulted his wristwatch and answered:
- Twenty minutes after two.
What do you get when you cross a hooker with a systems engineer?
→ A fuckin know-it-all!
Why do elephants live in herds?
→ To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.
Another on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time the minister asks:
- If anyone has good reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.
They had a pregnant lady stand up and say:
- Oh, never mind! I'll just call my lawyer!
It rattled the groom's mother so much that she fainted.
Why do blondes like lightning?
→ They think someone is taking their picture.
A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said:
- I think I can stand over the hole!
So he stretched over the width of the hole and said:
- Grab for my dick and pull yourself up.
And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes!
