Most viewed jokes

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. The biggest tool in the shed.
12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking.
13. A room temperature IQ.
14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
15. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Bright as Alaska in December.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.
24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
26. He's so dense light bends around him.
27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. One neuron short of a synapse.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of mobid curiosity.

One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.

- Paddy my friend - he said.

- I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat.

- No problem - replied Paddy.

- You go an have a good time.

So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy.

- Everything's ok over here - Paddy said.

- Except you're cat. It's dead!

- oly ell - replied O'Leary.

- You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy!

- What do you mean? - replied Paddy.

- Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic - explained O'Leary.

So paddy apologised and another week went by, when one day O'Leary got another phone call, it was Paddy again.

- All right O'Leary - he said.

- Everything's ok here, except your ma - She's climbed the tree and refuses to come down!

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted:

- Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

The woman below replied:

- You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.

- You must be an engineer - said the balloonist.

- I am - replied the woman.

- How did you know?

- Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far. - answered the balloonist.

The woman below responded:

- You must be in management.

- I am - replied the balloonist.

- but how did you know?

- Well, you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault! - said the woman.

A woman, while touring a small South American country, was shown a bullfight. The guide told her:

- This is our number one sport.

The horrified woman said:

- Isn't that revolting?

- No - the guide replied.

- revolting is our number two sport.

A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying ", House of Prostitution, 10 miles". Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles." Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit".

His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent. He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers:

- I saw your signs on the highway, are they for real?

The nun answers "Yes", and tells him to give her $50 and follow her to a room. He enters a room, and a second nun requests $50, and leads him to a door. Once he opens the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun. He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign, "Thank you for you contributions, you have just been screwed by the .".

Why are there so many Johnson in the phone book?
→ They all have phones.

What did the answering machine say to the telephone?
→ Take my word for it.

- Caller: My goodness, Operator! Your nose is so stuffed up, I can't understand you. You should really take something for that cold.

- Operator: Good idea. I'll take the rest of the day off!

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said:

- If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

With even greater emphasis he said:

- And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

And then finally, he said:

- And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile:

- For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Paul says to Jesus:

- Hey man, whatcha doing for Passover?

Jesus says:

- Just hanging around.