Most viewed jokes

What do you call a smart blond?
→ A golden retriever!

Humankind's propensity for imposing anthropomorphic characteristics on inanimate objects has now reached computers. But, which gender should your PC be?

Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male:

- They have a lot of data, but they're still clueless.

- A better model is just around the corner.

- They look nice and shiny until you get them home.

- It's always essential to have a backup.

- They'll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.

- The best part of having one is the games you can play.

- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

- The lights are on but nobody's home.

- Big power surges knock them out at night.

- Size does matter.

But then again, here are the top ten reasons why they are obviously female:

- They're oh so picky, picky, picky.

- They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

- Beauty is only shell deep.

- When you ask them what's wrong, they always say 'nothing'.

- They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.

- They are always turning simple statements into big productions.

- Small talk is important.

- You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.

- They make you take the garbage out.

- Miss a period and they go wild.

Sign on a brake repair shop in Joliet, Illinois:

- We stand in front of our work.

Sign on a muffler shop in Santa Cruz:

- We're the Nobody that Midas brags about.

Your Momma sooo ugly, when she go to the beach the tide don't come in!

Your Momma so dirty, when she stand next to a building she look like an alley!

Your Momma so poor, she go to Mcdonalds to put a shake on layaway!

Your Momma so dumb, she called information to ask for the number to 911!

Your Momma so fat her belt size says "equator".

This just in: A well known college professor has been arrested and accused of putting marijuana in the food that seagulls consume. When asked why he did this he stated - "I want to leave no tern unstoned"

How do prisoners in jail talk to each other?
→ With their cell phones!

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
I love you. = Let's have sex now.
I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWYERS
Government Department of Fish and "WildLife"

1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS (Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder (2)
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor (1)
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator (4)
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (3) (Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut (2)
6. Honest Attorney (0) (On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat (2)
8. Back-stabbing Whiner (2)
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser (2)
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender ($100 BOUNTY)

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthily examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said:

- I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month.

Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said:

- Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.

There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventual approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends:

- I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion:

- Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?

Murphy said:

- I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!

What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
→ Ruthless

What do they call pastors in Germany?
→ German Shepherds.

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
→ Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
→ Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
→ Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
→ Samson. He brought the house down.

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
→ Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
→ Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
→ The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
→ David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Which Bible character had no parents?
→ Joshua, son of Nun.