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Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman:

- Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?

- Why do you want me to throw them at you?

- Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.

- Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.

- But why?

- Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized

OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted
OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world
OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap

Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I.Q. is--hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.

The day of Bob's party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is.

- 200,000 - replies the first guest.

- Well, that's great - says Bob - let's talk about ethereal astro physics.

Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.

Later in the party, someone else is at the door.

- Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?

The new guest responds with:

- 250.

- Great - says Bob. Lets talk about advanced math.

Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.

Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door.

- Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?

This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it:

- five.

- Well, that's great - says Bob - what kind of drumsticks do you use?

A preacher is buying a parrot.

- Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear? - asked the preacher.

- Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot - the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

- Wonderful! - says the preacher:

- but what happens if you pull both strings?

- I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! - screeched the parrot.

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

- Who is it? - calls one of the nuns.

- Blind man - replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

- Nice tits - says the man.

- Where do you want these blinds?

What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other?
→ Gee, we really do taste like chicken.

"You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......"

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say:

- I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn.

Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled this week as vacation, not last week.

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you:

- So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. The doctor said:

- Now look, the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."

- How marvelous - the old man said.

- Yes, but I must warn you - the doctor said.

- it's only going to work three times before you die.

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out.

- Beep! - he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said:

- beep, beep - and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay.

- Honey - he shouted at her.

- don't ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed.

Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said:

- beep - and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said:

- What's all this "beep beep" shit?

What is long, black, and smelly?
→ The unemployment line.