Most viewed jokes

- Sonny: I can't sleep. What should I do?

- Counselor: Lie near the edge of the bed. That way you'll be sure to drop off!

- Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the world

- What was I wearing?

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks:

- Where do you live?

Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says:

- Hello, I've brought your husband home.

The wife looks at the man and asks:

- Where's his wheel chair?

Where does a white baby go when it dies?
→ Heaven

What does it get?
→ Wings

What does it become?
→ An angel

Where does a black baby go when it dies?
→ Heaven

What does it get?
→ Wings

What does it become?
→ A Bat!

Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.

God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries:

- I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!

- Very well, then - says God, let us see how Jesus fared.

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is stunned and stutters:

- But how?! How did he do that?!

God chuckles:

- Jesus Saves!

Psychiatrist:

1. Mind-sweeper.
2. Someone who asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

Psychiatry: The care of the id by the odd.

Ok this idiot of the first order is invited for a game of golf for the first time, while in another country.

He's totally enamoured with the golf ball because he's never seen anything like it before so he carries like, 30 of them back home to give away as souveniers.

While passing through the customs on his way back, the customs officer who's perhaps a bigger idiot than this guy, notices his pockets bulging with all these golf balls and can't figure it out. So he asks our man:

- What the hell is all this?!

To which he replies:

- Oh they're just golf balls.

So the customs officer goes:

- Oh oh! You mean like tennis elbow?

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

- Broiled Missionary: $25.00

- Fried Explorer: $35.00

- Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked:

- Why such a price difference for the politician?

The cook replied:

- Have you ever tried to clean one of them?

How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
→ Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
→ A blonde going through a flashing red light.