Most viewed jokes

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says:

- Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says:

- I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says:

- I want the house.

Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says:

- I want the kids too.

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says:

- I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says:

- Is there anything you want?

The husband says:

- No, I've got everything I need right here.

She asks:

- What's that?

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph...:

- I've got the airbag!

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark!?!"

IDIOT SIGHTINGS...

Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked:

- Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?

I said:

- If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?

He smiled and nodded knowingly:

- That's why we ask.

Idiot Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled:

- What on earth are blind people doing driving!

Idiot Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said:

- this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often,

Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Idiot Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Idiot Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. I announced to the technician:

- Hey, it's open!

- I know - answered the young man.

- I already got that side...

Where does your nose go, when it gets hungry?
→ Booger King!!!

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says:

- the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.

The Frenchman says:

- I take ze sword.

The chief gives him a sword, he says - Vive la France! - and runs himself through.

The Englishman says:

- a pistol for me, please.

The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says - God save the queen! - and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says:

- gimme a fork.

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.

The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, even for a cannibal.

He asks:

- My God almighty, what are you doing?

And the New Yorker replies:

- So much for your canoe!

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said:

- Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.

He said:

- Certainly, honey - and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise:

- Say - said the druggist.

- aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?

- Yes, I am - said the officer.

- Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.

- Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.

- But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

- Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!

- Doc: Do you drink a lot?

- Not really - I spill most of it!

- Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?

- Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.

- Then you'll have a bad headache.

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!

- Doc: When did this start?

- Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...

- Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!

- Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?

- Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?

- Doc: I never make rash promises!

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!

- Doc: So what's wrong with that?

- I think I'm going to croak!

Top twenty things to do at a drive-thru:

- Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.

- Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.

- Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.

- Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.

- Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

- Order in another language.

- Be careful what neighborhood you are in.

- When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.

- Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

- Ask how they fit into that little box.

- If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.

Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said:

- May I take your order?

When asked if they can take your order say:

- No, why can't I take yours?

- If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.

- Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.

- Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

- Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.

- Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

- When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.

- Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.

- Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

- If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.

- The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.

- Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.

- No one may catch fish with his bare hands.

- Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.

- It is illegal to spit on a sidewalk.

- All places of business must provide a horse water troft.

- No one may wear a bee in their hat.

- All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival.

- Musical car horns are banned.

- It is against the law to leave your car running unattended.

- The installation of bathtubs is prohibited.

- Any person caught using or carrying bean snappers or the like shall upon conviction, be fined. -City ordinance 349 of Wichita, Kansas.

- Before proceeding through the interesection of Douglas and Broadway, a motorist is required to get out of their vehice and fire three shot gun rounds into the air.

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:

- Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you.

- When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion - she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.

- I'm curious though - he said:

- Where did the thirty dollars come from?

- Oh that - his wife replied:

- Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!