Most viewed jokes

One day there was a blonde riding a horse. The horse kept going faster and faster until the blonde fell off, with her foot getting stuck in the stirrup. Hearing her screams for help, finally a Wal-Mart clerk came over and turned off the merry-go-round.

What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?
→ "Hi, Buster."

Why did the owl, owl?
→ Because the woodpecker would peck 'er!

- Monster: I'm so ugly.

- Ghost: It's not that bad!

- Monster: It is! When my grandfather was born they passed out cigars. When my father was born they just passed out cigarettes. When I was born they simply passed out.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
→ Because she has a frog in her throat at 69!

What do you get when a duck and a cow cross the road?
→ Milk and Quackers

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:
Assume you drive your car at light speed. What happens when you turn on the head lights?

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says:

- Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.

The customer replies:

- I'm peeking at a photo of my wife... When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home.

I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.

Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.

Can I borrow that quarter, 'cause my mom told me to call home when I fell in love

What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me.

Are your legs tired? 'cause you been running through my mind ALL day long.

Are you lost? 'cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.

Is your father a thief? 'cause he stole the sparkle from the stars, and put it in your eyes. (yo, watch out though, and be prepared with a snappy answer just in case she says 'yes')

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?

What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.

If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil tonight?

Can I see that label? I just wanted to know if you were made in heaven.

Do you like raisins? How about a date?

So... How am I doin'?

I miss my teddy bear...

Would you sleep with me?

You look great and all, but do you know what'd really look good on you? Me.

Could I get some directions? ("To where?") To your heart.

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes.

Can I flirt with you?

Hi, my name's [name], but you can call me "lover".

(another quarter line) Could I borrow a quarter? 'cause I just want to call your mother and thank her.

(lick your finger and then touch her shirt) Here, let me help you out of those wet clothes.

What do you like for breakfast?

Say, did we go to different schools together?

Hi, my name is [name], how do you like me so far?

(At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?

Woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"

You look like the type of girl that's heard every line in the book. So what's one more?

Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

I'm new in town...could you give me directions to your apartment?

I think you're the most beautiful girl I've seen...on a Wednesday

I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?

I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.

Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

Are you religious? Good, cause I'm here to answer your prayers.

Did it hurt? (Did what hurt) When you fell out of heaven.

Inheriting 80 million doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

If your parents hadn't met, I'd be a very unhappy man right now.

Do you drink milk? It sure did your body good.

DANGER: new viruses discovered!

• Congressional Virus v2.0: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
• Tipper Gore Virus: When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.
• Government Ecomomist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
• New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
• Warren Commission Virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
• David Duke Virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
• Pat Buchanan Virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
• Texas Virus: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
• Adam And Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
• Warren Beatty Virus: Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.
• Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
• Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
• PBS Virus: Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money.
• Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Nobody can find it.
• Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
• Healthcare Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for $4,500.
• LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defence".
• Billy Graham Virus: When you save a file, it prints, "I am saved!" to the screen.
• Michael Jackson Virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

And finally...

• JokeGalore.com Virus: poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.