Most viewed jokes

Sports fad invented by pigs:
Mud wrestling.

- Dad, why do you write so slow? - asked Dennis.

- I have to - replied his father.

- I'm a slow reader.

What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
→ When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.

An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked:

- Where are you going?

He replied:

- To the kitchen.

She asked:

- Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?

- Sure.

Then his wife asked him:

- Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?

- No, I can remember that.

- Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that - his wife said.

- I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.

She replied:

- Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down.

With irritation in his voice, he said:

- I don't need to write that down, I can remember that.

He went into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said:

- You forgot my toast.

Denied membership in an exclusive country club because he was an actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is reported to have said "Hell, I'm no actor, and I've got thirty movies to prove it!"

- FIRST MONSTER: I'm going to a party tonight.

- SECOND MONSTER: Oh, are you?

- FIRST MONSTER: Yes, I must go to the graveyard and dig out a few old friends.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
→ What Men Know About Women.

What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
→ Telling you his real name.

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed.

The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't.

In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked:

- Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?

He replied:

- Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.

Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.

- But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from? - she asked.

- Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold it.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Caterpillar

- Caterpillar who?

- Caterpillar a few mice for you!