Most viewed jokes

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

- It's a period - reported Johnnie.

- Well I can see that - she said.

- But what is so exciting about a period.

- Damned if I know - said Johnnie.

- But this morning my sister said she missed one....

Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said:

- Sugar, sugar?

Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked:

- Honey, honey?

Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said:

- Ham, pig?

More One-liners worth passing on...

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.

In two words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. S$$T HAPPENS!.

Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

The best vitamin for making friends: B1.

If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

You'll never be the man your mother was!

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!

God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

Top reasons why it's great to be Canadian:

- It beats being an American.

- Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

- You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

- Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

- Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

- A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.

- Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

- Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins

- Own-an-eskimo scheme.

- Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

- It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

- Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.

- You may not drive barefooted.

- It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

- It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

- Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

- Masks may not be worn in public.

- Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

- Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

- Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

- It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

- Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

- Incestous marriages are legal.

- It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

- You must have windshield wipers on your car.

- You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

- You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

- It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.

- It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.

- It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.

- It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.

- It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. ?1000 pounds or best offer.
Reason for sale:- No longer required. Got married last weekend. Wife knows F**king everything.

• His pointers are null / uninitialized.
• His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
• His reaction time is longer than his attention span. -- Thaves
• His root file system isn't mounted.
• His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
• His shared libraries aren't installed.
• His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
• His spark can't jump the gap.
• His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
• His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.
• His string's aren't null-terminated.
• His strip is demagnetized.
• His system administrator is never in.
• His train tracks aren't quite parallel.
• His URL denies outside access.
• His watch dog is sleeping.
• His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.
• Hitler's evil twin.
• Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net.
• Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken.
• I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth.
• If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
• If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears.
• If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio.
• If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup.
• If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
• If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
• If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
• If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.
• If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years.

What does a vampire stand on after taking a shower?
→ A bat mat.

- Caller: Operator! Operator! Do you know my boyfriend's line has been busy for an hour?

- Operator: No, but if you hum a few bars, I might be able to sing along with you.

A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club.

- Were the crowd not behind you - asked the reporter.

- They were right behind me all right - said the manager - But I managed to shake them off at the station!