Most viewed jokes

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

- Hurry! - she said:

- stand in the corner.

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

- Don't move until I tell you to - she whispered.

- Just pretend you're a statue.

- What's this, honey? - the husband inquired as he entered the room.

- Oh, it's just a statue - she replied nonchalantly.

- The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

- Here - he said to the 'statue':

- eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.

Why do blondes like tilt steering?
→ More head room.

Children Books That Didn't Make It To The Press:

Children Books You Won't Eever See...

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell!
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster... And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

There was a farmer. He had alot of chickens but had no roosters. So in order to get eggs he went and got a rooster. The man he got the rooster form told him that the rooster would screw everything in sight. But the farmer wanted the rooster anyway. So he took it home and it screwed all the chickens. After a while it started screwing all the other farm animals. So one day the farmer walked up to the rooster and said, "Ya better stop screwing everything or you will screw yourself to death!" But the rooster just kept on screwing. One day the farmer was walking through the field, and he found the rooster laying on the ground with buzzards flying all around. So he walked up to the rooster and said, "I told you you'd screw yourself to death!" then the rooster opened his eyes and said, "SHUT-UP! I'm trying to get them to land!"

DANGER: new viruses discovered!

• Congressional Virus v2.0: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
• Tipper Gore Virus: When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.
• Government Ecomomist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
• New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
• Warren Commission Virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
• David Duke Virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
• Pat Buchanan Virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
• Texas Virus: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
• Adam And Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
• Warren Beatty Virus: Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.
• Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
• Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
• PBS Virus: Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money.
• Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Nobody can find it.
• Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
• Healthcare Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for $4,500.
• LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defence".
• Billy Graham Virus: When you save a file, it prints, "I am saved!" to the screen.
• Michael Jackson Virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

And finally...

• JokeGalore.com Virus: poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.

Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

- Not yet - replied little Johnny.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, now he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

- How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? - he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:

- Are you going to tell him, or should I?

A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.

The old man says:

- Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the sheep. It was a lot of fun!

The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.

The old man said:

- Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the neighbor's wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!

The reporter, feeling frustrated, finally told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said:

- Well, one time I was lost ...

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. He told the homeowner:

- Now listen carefully, I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on

- Ok, got it - the homeowner replied. But whats that shotgun for?

- If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla - the man said - shoot the Chihuahua.

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked:

- What's so funny Bobby?

- Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.

- Get out of my classroom - she yells.

- I don't want to see you for three days!

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.

Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks:

- What's so funny Billy?

- Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters.

Again she yells:

- Get out of my classroom!

This time the punishment is more severe, and tells him:

- I don't want to see you for three weeks!

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

- And where do you think you are going? - she asks.

- Well teach, from what I just saw, my school days are over!

One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids along a new bus route.

At the first stop, he picked up a fat little girl. Grover asked:

- What's your name?

- Patty - she replied. She had a seat in the back of the bus.

On the next stop there was a handicapped boy named Ross. All the kids called him "Special Ross."

Then a young man named Lester Cheese loaded onto the bus, sat down, took off his shoes and began picking at his bunyons.

Finally the last stop came up, and another chubby little girl got on. Grover had never met her, so he asked her her name and her name was also Patty.

On the way to school, Grover looked in his mirror and began to laugh, He was thinking...

- Dang, I have two obese Patty's, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunyons, on a Sesame Street bus!