Most viewed jokes

What is the difference between the government and the Mafia?
→ One of them is organized.

Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.

Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years.

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

- I've never been better! - he replies:

- I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says:

- Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

- So he's in the woods - the doctor continues:

- and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in its chest.

- That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear - the man said.

- Exactly.

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

- Who's the boss around here? - he asked.

- I am. - said the man.

- I have a black horse and a brown horse - the farmer said - which one would you like?

The man thought for a minute and said:

- The black one.

- No, no, no, get the brown one. - the man's wife said.

- Here's your chicken. - said the farmer.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.

A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.

Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry"?

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Crock and Dial

- Crock and Dial who?

- Crock and Dial Dundee!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Bootie

- Bootie who?

- Bootieful downtown Burbank!

- Knock Knock!

- Who's there?

- Abel!

- Abel who?

- Abel to see you, ha, ha!

Shingles were loose on Pennock's roof, and he complained about leaks to Barton, his neighbor.

- Why don't you mend the roof? - asked Barton.

- I can't today - Pennock replied.

- It's pouring rain.

- Well, why don't you patch it in dry weather.

- It don't leak then!