Most viewed jokes

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there is a lamp.
So he picked it up and started to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he said:

- I want to know the person you hate the most

The explorer said:

- That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?

- I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount.

- OK, I wish for a billion dollars

- Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion

- I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything

- Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish

The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a stick and said:

- Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Crete

- Crete who?

- Crete to see you again!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Ammon

- Ammon who?

- Ammon old hand at picking locks!

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.
The younger guy says to the old man:

- Watcha got in the sack?

The old man responds:

- I got some monkeys in that there sack.

The younger man asks:

- If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?

The old man replies:

- Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!

An old lady saw a little boy with a fishing-rod over his shoulder and a jar of tadpoles in his hand walking through the park one Sunday. "Little boy," she called, "don't you know you shouldn't go fishing on a Sunday?" "I'm not going fishing, ma'am," he called back, "I'm going home."

There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.

- You know - said one of the explorers - we should name this place we're hiking through.

- I know - said the second explorer - We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that.

- Okay - said the third - I'll go first. C, eh.

- N, eh.

- D, eh. And that's how they named Canada...

Fred's new girlfriend uses such greasy lipstick that he has to sprinkle his face with sand to get a better grip.

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said:

- Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead. She says:

- What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!

One of the blondes looks up and says:

- Yeah, but you've got a driver!

One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly, the blonde's friend said:

- Oh, look, a dead birdie!

The blonde looked up and said:

- Where?