Most viewed jokes

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

- Are you Mr. Johnson? - the asked?

He admitted that he was.

- Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?

Again, the man admitted that was he.

- And what did you do then - the troopers asked.

The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

- Where is your car now? - the troopers enquired.

The man answered that it was in the garage.

- May we see the car? - asked the troopers.

The man answered:

- Sure - and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747.

I said:

- Hi Jack.

He shot me.

What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
→ SWIMMING TRUNKS !!!

The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting. The president of ABC asked the first company, Bruin Construction, who's president earned his MBA from UCLA, "How much will your company charge for this project?"

- 2 million - said Bruin.

- 1 million for materials and 1 million for labor.

Then president then asks the same question to the second company, Cardinal Construction, whose president earned his MBA from Stanford. Cardinal answered:

- 3 million, 1.5 million for materials, 1.3 million for labor, and 0.2 million for licenses and permits.

Finally, the president asks the last company, Trojan Construction, whose president earned his MBA from USC. Trojan answered:

- 4 million.

- FOUR MILLION - yelled the president of ABC.

- How do you breakdown the cost?

Trojan replied:

- 1 million for you, 1 million for me, and 2 million to get the guy from UCLA to build the factory!

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says:

- See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one! The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points to his bike:

- See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says:

- You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl:

- Well, what do you have to say NOW?

So she pulls up her dress and says:

- My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!

We have all heard of the ten commandments.

Well recently a new eleventh commandment was made. Just for President Clinton.

"Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff."

Three paratroopers, a Jew, an American, and a Pollack are to throw a hand gernade from the plane, then jump.

The Jew goes first:

- This is for my country - and he throws the gernade out and jumps. He lands and sees a little boy crying and asks:

- what's the matter? The boys says:

- my dog just blew up!

The American tosses the gernade, jumps and when he lands he sees a little girl crying. She tells him:

- my cat just blew up!

The Pollack tosses, jumps and lands. He sees this Redneck laughing his head off. The Pollock asks:

- What so funny?

The Redneck replies:

- I just farted and my house blew up!

After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.

He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.

After standing for some time, the doctor asked:

- What do you want me to do?

- Nothing. Just stand there.

A while later, the lawyer asked:

- What do you want me to do?

- Nothing. Just stand there.

As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked:

- Why are we standing here?

Well - said the old man.

- Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!

A few children's books that didn't make the cut:

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10. Some Kittens Can Fly
11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
13. Pop! Goes The Hamster... And Other Great Microwave Games
14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.

Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"