Most viewed jokes

Yo mamma so stupid she got hit by a parked car.

Bob and sue have been married for 12 yrs. And never have sex with the lights on.

One night sue turned on the lights while they were having sex. And was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildo in his hands.

Sue yelled:

- You impatient fucker! You lying son of a...

Bob stopped her and said:

- I'm a lying son of a bitch? Than maybe you would like to explain our 3 kids?

"If Men TRULY Ruled the World!"...

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history!

The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Two words...

"Ally McNaked".

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Garbage would take itself out.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

- Cop: You know how fast you were going?

- You: All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.

- Cop: Nice one, That's $10.00 off.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

You just might be a Redneck if:You've ever tried to drown a fish. You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!" Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event. None of your shirts cover your stomach. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. Your family tree does not fork. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers." You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year." Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them. Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end." You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day. Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do. You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth. Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit. You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls:

- Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply:

- Yes I have a phone.

The driver of the Yugo says:

- Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says:

- Yes, I have a refrigerator.

The driver of the Yugo says:

- That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says:

- Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!

The driver of the Yugo says:

- Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

- I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce - the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly!

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said:

- You got me out of the shower for that!

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said...

- Yes, there's a nasty bug going around. DOH!

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

- I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.

- Psychiatrist: Don't you have a phone in your car?

- Blonde: That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.

- Psychiatrist: Uh ... How's that working?

- Blonde: Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet.

- Psychiatrist: And why do you think that is?

- Blonde: I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing.

The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes:

- Parking for drive-through customers only!

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks:

- W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself:

- W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times:

- W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk:

- why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?

The clerk answers:

- D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him:

- Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes mind if I ask how you got yours?

The other guy says:

- Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one.

The first guy replied:

- Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'

What does Dracula say when you tell him a new fact?
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