Most viewed jokes

Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
→ It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing".

What do Michael Jackson and the Baltimore Orioles have in common?
→ They both walk around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason.

Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?
→ Yup, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the 3-year-olds!

Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
→ He thought it was a delivery service.

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest!

How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
→ By all the Big Wheels parked in his driveway.

And finally, I found out why Michael has cut down on public appearances... He wants to spend more time with the kids!

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!............. Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you............ have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love......... After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....... that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!.......... I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,......... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married............ but not to you."

"You look great for your age....... Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me......... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....... So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time........... What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you.................. It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy............... Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--------- So we're having you put to sleep."

What's it called when a vampire kisses you goodnight?
→ Necking.

What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had?
→ The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had!

What is a runner's favourite subject in school?
→ Jog-raphy!

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

- What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job? - asked the Rabbi.

- Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job - replied the Priest.

- Yes, and then what? - asked the Rabbi.

- Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop - said the Priest.

- Yes, and then? - asked the Rabbi.

- If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop - said the Priest.

- O.K., then what? - asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied:

- With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal.

- And then? - asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies:

- With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope.

- Yes, and then what? - asked the Rabbi.

- Good grief! - shouted the Priest.

- What do you expect me to become, GOD?

- Well - said the Rabbi.

- One of our boys made it!

Which rabbit is a famous comedian?
→ Bob Hop.

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says:

- Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.

The man says:

- Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack.

- Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.

- I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.

- Well, then we need a urine sample.

- I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar.

- Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.

- I can't do that, officer.

- Why not?

- Because I'm too drunk to do that!

Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
→ He called it "Ham Hocks".

- Father: I want to take my girl out of this terrible math class.

- Teacher: But she's top of the class.

- Father: That's why I think it must be a terrible class.