Most viewed jokes

How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday?
→ Eat him on Saturday!

Shall I tell you the joke about the bed?
→ No, because it hasn't been made up yet.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Twenty-four hours in a day... twenty-four beers in a case... coincidence?

Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan.

- Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die.

- Shure, an' why would he be dyin'? - asked the other.

- Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together.

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge:

The brain said:

- I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The eyes said:

- I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The hands said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The stomach said:

- I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The legs said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

Then the rectum said:

- I think I should be in charge.

All the rest of the parts said:

- YOU?!! You don't do anything! You're not as important as we are, surely! You can't be in charge!

So the rectum closed up... After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story? You don't have to be the most important to be in charge.... just an asshole!

What's the difference between a McDonalds Hamburger and Bill Clinton?
→ Some people in Arkansas haven't had a McDonald's hamburger!

How do most men compare to Mel Gibson?
→ They have everything he has, except for talent, money, and looks.

To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices...

You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.

The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

The Jews had trouble throughout their history with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apolstles.

Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.

Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.

The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery"

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

The people who followed Jesus was called the 12 decibles.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opposums was St. Matthew.

Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.