Most viewed jokes

1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is f***ing nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.

A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.

- My fellow scientists - he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone jumped up and shouted:

- he's a &^^%@)&!

Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again:

- My fellow scientists,

Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled:

- this dumb %@(&+! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent $3%$##+=!

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.

The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to them. The police chief said to the scientist:

- We are going to have to arrest you.

The scientist replied:

- For what? You can't arrest me for killing a clone!

The attending scientists nodded in agreement.

- Well! - retorted the police chief.

He thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for...

- Making an obscene clone fall...

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings. It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her:

- you have the nicest breasts.

She says:

- thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you.

He replies:

- I would pay you $10 just to see one of them.

She thinks for a minute and decides to do it. He says:

- Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....

- I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time.

She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says:

- your best friend just stopped by.

He answers:

- Great did he leave the $20 he owed me

At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator): "Best Place in Town to take a Leak"

Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband tried to fix."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"

At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

A Priest, a Nun, and a Camel are crossing the desert.

The camel falls dead.

- Before I die - the father says - I would like to see a woman naked.

So the nun takes off all her clothes.

She then says:

- Before I die I would like to see a man naked.

So the father takes off his clothes. She looks at his penis and says:

- My God!! What is that for?

He says:

- You stick it in a hole and it brings forth life.

The nun replies:

- Then how about you stick it up that camels ass and let's get the hell out of here!

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."

- Well, tell me! - the man said.

The policeman said:

- We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.

Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said:

- Give me the bad news first.

So the policeman said:

- I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay.

- Oh my god! - said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.

Remembering what the cop had said, he asked:

- So what's the good news?

- Well - said the cop, when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.

- If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?! - he asked.

And the cop replied:

- We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!

NEWS FLASH - GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:

- Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.

Top ten reasons why it's good to be Italian:

- In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes

- Unembarrassed to wear fur.

- No need to worry about tax returns

- Glorious military history... well, until about 400 a.d.

- Can wear sunglasses inside

- Political stability

- Flexible working hours

- Live near the Pope

- Country run by Sicilian murderers

Things you'll never hear a man say:

- Here honey, you use the remote.

- You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

- Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

- While I'm up, can I get you anything?

- Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

- Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

- Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.

- Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

- We never talk anymore.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:

- Lord, I have a problem!

- What's the problem, Eve?

- Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy.

- Why is that, Eve? - came the reply from above.

- Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples.

- Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.

- What's a 'man', Lord?

- This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.

- Sounds great - says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

- Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.

- What's that, Lord?

- You'll have to let him believe that I made him first.