Most viewed jokes

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.

- Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am - he said politely, but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.

- That's right.

- Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.

- Well, today is his birthday.

Why did the bed spread?
→ Because it saw the pillow slip.

How can you shorten a bed?
→ Don't sleep long in it.

Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm?
→ He kept throwing the bent bananas away.

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says:

- Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party.

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says:

- This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it.

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says:

- What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?

The guy replies:

- Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever).

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says:

- Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive.

The guy says:

- It's not for my penis, it's for my arm.

Pharmacist says:

- What?? What happened?

Guy replies:

- Well... I drank the whole bottle of your potion.

Pharmacist says:

- And...

Guy replies:

- The girls never showed up!

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."

What's a blonde's favorite wine?
→ "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"

There was a reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in W.Va. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview:

- Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?

The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time:

- Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!

The reporter couldn't write a story about that so he asked for another:

- Well, when my neighbor's wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!

The reporter was frustrated:

- Sir, I can't submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had.

- Well - the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, thar was that time "I" got lost...

A duck walks in to a drug store and asks for a condom.

The sales person comes back with the condom and says:

- Put this on your bill sir - to which the duck replies:

- what do you think I'M a dickhead!

I Still Miss My Ex..

But My Aim Is Getting Better!