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Our Government By Numbers

- 29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.

- 7 Have been arrested for fraud.

- 19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.

- 117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.

- 3 Have been arrested for assault.

- 71 Have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card.

- 14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.

- 8 Have been arrested for shoplifting.

- 21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.

- 84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity.

Good To Be Italian

Top ten reasons why it's good to be Italian:

- In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes

- Unembarrassed to wear fur.

- No need to worry about tax returns

- Glorious military history... well, until about 400 a.d.

- Can wear sunglasses inside

- Political stability

- Flexible working hours

- Live near the Pope

- Country run by Sicilian murderers

California Crazy Laws

- Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

- Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

- Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

- Bathhouses are against the law.

- In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

- No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

- Women may not drive in a house coat.

- It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

- Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

- You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

- Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

- City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

- You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

- It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

- Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)

- Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

- Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

- It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995)

- It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

- You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

- It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

- It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

- It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

- Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

- Toads may not be licked.

- You may not hunt moths under a street light.

- It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.

- You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

- Zoot suits are prohibited.

- It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

- It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

- Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

- Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

- It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

- It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

- Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

- Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

- One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

- The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

- It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

- Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

- Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

- It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

- It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

- It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

- You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

- Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

Sister Mary's Report

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.

- Father! - she cried.

- just WAIT until you hear this!

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said:

- Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?

- Well, father - the nun began.

- I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!

- A serious infraction, indeed! - said the priest.

- But that's not what has me so excited, father - replied the nun.

- it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!

- What an incredible wager! - exclaimed the priest.

- What did you do?

- Well, I hit the CEILING, father.

- How much did you win?