How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
→ 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
→ Three. . . one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
→ Two. . . one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.
The couple were leaving the cocktail party, where the husband, slightly flushed, had been the life of the party.
"John," she said:
- did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic, and how handsome you are?
"No," the man replied happily, looking at his wife:
- I don't think anyone ever did?
"Well," she snapped:
- then where did you ever get the idea!!!
Your momma so fat, when she goes to the aquarium the whales sing "WE ARE FAMILY."
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.
- Oh my god, I am sooo sorry - the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
- Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins Undressing him.
The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.
- You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?
- No - she replies....
- You just happened to catch my eye. (hee-hee, hoo-hoo, that was terrible!)
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says:
- I'll have a beer - and turns to the ostrich.
- What's yours?
- I'll have a beer too - says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says:
- That will be $3.40 please - and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says:
- I'll have a beer - and the ostrich says:
- I'll have the same.
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
- The usual? - asks the bartender.
- Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch - says the man.
- Same for me - says the ostrich.
- That will be $7.20 - says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer:
- Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?
- Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there. - says the man.
- That's brilliant! - says the bartender.
- Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!
- That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there - says the man.
- That's fantastic! - says the bartender.
- You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?
The man replies:
- Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.
An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.
He left her a note saying:
- Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton.
He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:
- Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!
A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.
He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.
The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said:
- No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!
Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:
PRICELESS!
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.
When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.
So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men.
You might be a bad customer if:
- You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.
- You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.
- You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.
- You return the coffee because it's too hot.
- You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).
- You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.
- You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven't sold one in over 20 years.
- If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20.
- You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.
- You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.
- You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.
- While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?"
- You dare ask for a discount at a resturaunt because your kids didn't like thier food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor.
- You chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.
- You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)
