Most viewed jokes

There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He'd wanted to be buried at sea.

A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought: "Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry." Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped him:

- What's going on out there? - it asked.

- Why, there's a party going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!! - the whiskey replied.

And pizza said:

- Great, I'll go check it out!

Little Johnny is in class. The teacher is going through the alphabet, having each child think up a word that starts with a letter. They get to "W", and the teacher figures Little Johnny can't think up anything dirty with a "W" so she calls on him.

- Womb! - Little Johnny says.

- That's a good word, Johnny - teacher says.

- Is that as in where babies come from? - she asks.

- No - says Johnny:

- That's the sound elephants make when they're screwing... you know, "Womb! Womb! Womb!"

Guyness Quiz
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
   a. Present it to the president of the United States.
   b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
   c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
   a. Innocence.
   b. Idealism.
   c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
   a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
   b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
   c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
   a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
   b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
   c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
   a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
   b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
   c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
   a. A cat.
   b. A dog.
   c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive. Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
   a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
   b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
   c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
   a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
   b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
   c. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
   a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
   b. "They're in school already?"
   c. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
    a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
    b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
    c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
    a. He was being tested.
    b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
    c. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
    a. Democracy.
    b. Religion.
    c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.

- Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.

- Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.

- Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?

- Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.

- Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?

- Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.

- Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?

- Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.

- Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.

- Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead.

- Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.

- Trucker: I'm not. I'm claiming for lead poisoning.

A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller:

- I want to open a fucking checking account.

- Please sir - she replies.

- we can't have language like that in here.

- Why the Fuck not? - he asked.

- Sir - Came her retort.

- I must ask you to refrain from swearing.

- I don't give a shit what you want - he answers.

- I just want to open a fucking checking account.

With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager. The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman.

- Shit yes - came the reply.

- I just won 14 million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking account.

The branch manager says:

- I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a hard time?

What has antlers and sucks blood?
→ A moose-quito!

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

- You look hot, my son - said the cleric.

- why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand.

- No thanks - said the young man.

- My father wouldn't like it.

- Don't be silly - the minister said.

- Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said:

- Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!

- Well - replied the young farmer - he's under the load of hay.

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
16. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
18. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
19. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
20. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
21. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
22. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
23. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
24. "The coffee machine is broken...."
25. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
26. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
27. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
28. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: "Amen"

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said:

- We've been waiting a long time for you.

- What do you mean - he replied.

- I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?

- 45? You're not 45, you're 82 - replied the angel.

- Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.

- Hold on. Let me go check - said the angel and disspeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned.

- Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82...