Most viewed jokes

OLD HIKERS never die, they just trail away
OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way
OLD HOCKEY PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal
OLD HOMEBREWERS never die, they just ferment away
OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just imagine it
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe
OLD IMMORTALS [vampires, whatever] never die, they just...don't
OLD INTERPRETERS (for the deaf) never die, they just sign off
OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over
OLD JOKES never die, they just get retold by the young
OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed
OLD KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it again
OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out
OLD KIDS never die, they just adulterate

What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
→ The Spice Girls!

When shouldn't a mountain climber call for help?
→ When he's hanging by his teeth.

The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last test has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bedsheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.

The security guard ask:

- What's going on?

To which the drunk replied:

- I just beat the shit out of a ghost.

Why does it take 100 sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
→ Because men won't stop for directions!

He should study to be a bone specialist -- he has the head for it.

Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo:

- COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

- JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.

- CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

- MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

- SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

- DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

- MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

- CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

- APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

- NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

- SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

- PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

- REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

- GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

- I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.

- I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

- MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

- I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

- I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

- I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

- I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.

- I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks:

- Why 'S'?

The snail replies:

- 'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving.

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say:

- Wow! Look at that S-car go!

Just wanted to check out that you gnarly dudes are using the latest andgreatest software technology fer yer rad code to make it easy for thedudes who have to read it. The hip new way to write readable Ccode involves the use of a few simple defines.#define like {#define man ;}#define an ;#define SayBro /*#define CheckItOut */SayBro like, this is some rad program, so CheckItOutlike a = b an c = dmanSayBro , like who needs help from them compiler choads anyway?

THIS is the way to write CLEAR code. I mean really! CheckItOutlike SayBro this is ShellSort straight out of the white book, but ina readable form.

CheckItOut man#define YoDude for(#define OK )#define is =#define AND &&#define as#define Do#define long#define some#define make#define garbage#define FAROUTshell(v, n) SayBro sort v[0]...v[n-1] into increasing order CheckItOutint v[], n;like int gap, i, j, temp;YoDude gap is n/2 an as long as gap > 0 Do some garbage an make gap /=2 OK YoDude i is gap an as long as i < n Do some garbage an make i++ OK YoDude j is i - gap an as long as j >= 0 AND v[j] > v[j+gap] Do some garbage an make j -= gap OK like temp is v[j] an v[j] is v[j+gap] an v[j+gap] is temp manFAROUT manSayBro like, B there OB square! CheckItOut

Why do blondes drive BMWs?
→ Because they can spell it.