Most viewed jokes

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.

The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.

- Pilot: Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.

- Tower: Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!

- Pilot: Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.

There was an old man in a bar who was staring at a punk in the corner. The punk had multicolored, spiked hair and multicolored feather earings.

After a while the punk got mad and said to the old man:

- What are you staring at?

- Back when I was in the army I got really drunk one night and fucked a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son.

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the super model Stephanie Seymour.

- I say she's highly over-rated - said one:

- Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got?

- My wife - said the other with a heavy sigh!

In desperation, the young bride finally wrote to Xaviera Hollander:

I'm married to a sex maniac. My husband never leaves me alone. He makes love to me all night long, while I'm in the shower, while I'm cooking breakfast, while I'm making the beds, and even while I'm trying to clean the house. Can you tell me what to do?

Signed, Worn Out

P.S. Please excuse the jerky handwriting

What does a smart guy do in an M&M factory?
→ Proofread.

If men had PMS, what would happen?
a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.

10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."6. "Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?"5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."4. "Sorry about the mess..."3. "Look at the size of that thing!"2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks:

- Where did you get that?

→ The pig says:

- I won her in a raffle!

The couple were leaving the cocktail party, where the husband, slightly flushed, had been the life of the party.

"John," she said:

- did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic, and how handsome you are?

"No," the man replied happily, looking at his wife:

- I don't think anyone ever did?

"Well," she snapped:

- then where did you ever get the idea!!!