Most viewed jokes

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
→ He heard the referee calling fowls

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Mortal Kombat Barbie ...includes more blood than you can even imagine

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

- Are you the manager? - she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

- Actually, no - he replied.

- Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him - she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

- I'm afraid I can't - breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble.

- Is there anything I can do?

- Yes there is. I need you to give him a message - she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

- Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained:

- I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

- Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk! - she screamed.

- Funny - he muttered.

- you even sound exactly like her.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says:

- I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

- Is your bet still good? - asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says:

- If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?

The Irishman replies:

- Oh...

- I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?
→ Because they can't dress themselves.

A man was walking across the road when he had an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him.

He held her hands and said meaningfully:

- You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying...

She squeezed his hands as he continued:

- When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply....

He continued:

- Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me.

- Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now... And you were still beside me...

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband:

- And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...

- There's something I'd really like to say to you...

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said:

- You're a friggin jinx!

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says:

- Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?

After the doctor stopped laughing, he says:

- Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping.

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks:

- what the *@#% was that? The wife explains:

- oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping.

The husband cries out:

- Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!!!

Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached...

Tis better to have loved and lost....than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.

What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.

My ex-wife is like a good laxative...she irritates the shit out of you.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams

Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.

When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.

Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days.

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose Pierce

When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.

Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled:

- Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits...

- I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!

Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says:

- My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house....

"What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, there's a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when it's over, your whole house is gone.

I blame my divorce on my ex-husband's calculating mind. He put two and two together.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Compared with the lawyer's demands, Hussein's are reasonable.

There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.

Mom's Brownies Recipe...

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr:

- no, no.

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

Frosting

Mix the following in saucepan:

• 1 cup sugar
• 1 oz unsweetened chocolate
• 1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven