Most viewed jokes

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

- Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin.

Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?

And a great voice was heard from above:

- BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice:

- Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted:

- Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

- Where are you? - the man asked.

- Who are you?

- I am your guardian angel - the voice answered.

- Oh yeah? - the man asked...

- And where were you when I got married?

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed:

- Come and bury my wife.

- But I buried your wife ten years ago - replied the undertaker.

- I got married again - the man sobbed.

- Oh - said the undertaker.

- Congratulations.

How do we know that Apes are like fish after a rainstorm?
→ They'll both bite at anything!

- Mummy! Mummy! Have you seen my Cabbage Patch Doll?

- Be quiet and finish your coleslaw!

What was the name of Tom Sawyer's fish?
→ Huckleberry Fin!

Seems the Shah of Iran was visiting Disneyland with his young son. The son seemed to be having a good time but had that look that something else was on his mind. The Shah asked, "What do you really want, Son?" The Son said, "A Mickey Mouse Outfit." With that, the Shaw went out and bought him a uniform from the neighboring Fire Department.

What is an elephants favourite film?
→ Elephantasia

One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence.
So Janet raised her hand and said the sky is absolutely blue, the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors.
Another little boy raised his hand and said:

- the leaves on the trees are absolutely green - the teacher said no, they could be different colors at different times of the year.

Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in farts, the teachers said no, I don't believe so.
And Little Johnny said:

- well then I absolutely just shit in my pants!!!!

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.

- There is a blind man to see you - she says.

- Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in.

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts:

- That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

What's the greatest birthday present?
→ Hard to say - but a drum takes a lot of beating.