Most viewed jokes

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.

He turns to bartender and says:

- Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . ..

- STOP pal - I don't allow talk about politics in my bar! - interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again:

- People say about the Pope ...

- NO religion talk, either - the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom...

- I thought the Yankees would...

- NO sports talk... That's how fights start in bars! - the barman said.

- Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?

- Sure, that we can talk about - replies the barkeep.

- GREAT... GO SCREW YOURSELF!

Why did Dracula go to the orthodontist?
→ He wanted to improve his bite.

On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said:

- What's a four -letter word ending in "unt" which means "woman"?

The bishop said:

- Did you try "aunt"?

The Pope said:

- Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?

On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a star of David. Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and the other was overlooked.
Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand outs.

- Get this guy, Chaim - laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal:

- He's trying to teach us how to do business!

What do you call a pig that took a plane?
→ Swine flu!

Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second:

- My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?

The second guy says:

- Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit.

So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says:

- Did you see it?

- Sure! - says his buddy.

- Where did it go? - the first guy asks.

The second old man thinks for a minute and says:

- I can't remember.

How do man-eating monsters count to a thousand?
→ On their warts.

Paddy 'n' Mick join the army, and are put on street patrol in a city with a military curfew. They are given instructions to shoot anybody who's on the streets after 6 o'clock. So one day, they're out at twenty to 6, when Paddy spots a man walking on the other side of the street. He lines up the man in his sights and shoots the man dead. Mick is shocked.

- What are you doin', Paddy? It ain't 6 yet!

- I know what I'm doin'. I know where he lives and he wouldn't have made it!

- You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common - said the new tenant's neighbor.

- Why on earth did you get married?

- I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract' - was the reply.

- He wasn't pregnant and I was.

What did the farmer say when all his cows charged him at once?
→ I'm on the horns of a dilemma here!