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One night a Blond Nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish."

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways."

- There must be something you would have of me - said God.

- Well, there is one thing - she said.

- Just name it - said God.

"It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."

- Consider it done - said God.

- Blond jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.

- There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time - said the nun.

- Name it. Please - said God.

- It's the M&M's - said the nun.

- They're so hard to peel!

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.

The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

- I would like a Sprite - said the first little piggie.

- I would like a Coke - said the second little piggie.

- I want water, lots and lots of water - said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

- I want a nice big steak - said the first piggie.

- I would like the salad plate - said the second piggie.

- I want water, lots and lots of water - said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

- I want a banana split - said the first piggie.

- I want a root beer float - said the second piggie.

- I want water, lots and lots of water - exclaimed the third little piggie.

- Pardon me for asking - said the waiter - but why have you only ordered water?

The third piggies says:

- Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'

Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.

Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled:

- father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward!

The minister was awe struck by what he just heard.

- My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?

The Choirboy replies...

- flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain!

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

- Would you mind telling me, Doctor - she asked - how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?

- That's easy - he replied. You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.

"What sort of question would you ask Doctor?"

"Well, you might ask them..."

"Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.

Which one?"

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh:

- You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?

"I must confess I don't know much about history." (DOH!)

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

- Sidney thought of everything - she told them.

- Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'.

- What was in the envelopes? - her friends asked.

- The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

- The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.

- And the third envelope? - asked her friends.

- The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said:

- So, do you like my stone? - showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read:

- Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

- Well, then - the reporter said.

The headline will probably say:

- Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog.

- Actually - the man said.

- I'm from Connecticut.

- In that case - the reporter said in a huff.

The headline will read:

- Yankee Kills Family Pet.

- A few guppies short of an aquarium.

- A few inches short of a foot/yard.

- A few kernels short of an ear.

- A few kopeks short of a ruble.

- A few links shy of a chain.

- A few measures short of a staff.

- A few open splices.

- A few peas short of a pod/casserole.

- A few pickles short of a jar.

- A few pies short of a holiday.

- A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar.

- A few points short of a polygon.

- A few revisions behind.

- A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic.

- A few screws loose.

- A few shrimps short of a barbie.

- A few spoons short of a full set.

- A few straws shy of a bale.

- A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.

- A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.

- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.

- A few volts below threshold.

- A few yards short of the hole.

- A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?

- A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

- A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum.

- A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.

- A lap behind the field.

- A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.)

- A looney tune.

Why does Dracula always travel with his coffin?
→ Because his life is at stake.

There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane was being rocked by some severe turbulence. So this kindly old lady looked upon Death's door, and said to her papal neighbour:

- Father, surely you can do something about this...

To which the Pope replied:

- Sorry lady, I'm in sales, not management.