Most viewed jokes

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
→ You can park in the handicap zone.

What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
→ An IN-body experience!

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
→ Humpme Dumpme.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
→ Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
→ It takes too long to retrain them.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
→ You only have to punch information into a computer once.

What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
→ You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Why don't blondes eat Jello?
→ They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Why don't blondes eat bananas?
→ They can't find the zipper.

What will a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
→ Her ankles.

Why don't blondes use vibrators?
→ They chip their teeth.

Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
→ Cause their balls show!

Why do blondes drive BMWs?
→ It's the only car name they can spell.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
→ An interpreter.

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
→ A mental block.

What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
→ Pack their lunch and send them to work.

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
→ Introduces herself.

How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
→ Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
→ She fell out of the tree.

What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
→ Locking the car door.

What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
→ Getting fingered by Captain Hook!

What's got 400 legs and no pubic hair?
→ The front row of a Hanson concert

Men say the smartest things when they start the sentence with "A woman once told me..."

How big is Bill Clinton's Penis?
→ Not as big as Hillary's

A groom's friends decided to throw his bachelor party the day before the wedding, and as often happens on these occasions, by the end of the evening, everyone was completely drunk, and none moreso than the guest of honor, who promptly passed out in a corner of the room.

When he woke up, he found himself sitting in an airline seat with no wallet or money or anything on him except a one way ticket to San Francisco. He was worried sick until he finally arrived at San Francisco from New Jersey, where he found a ticket at the courtesy counter back to New Jersey. It seems that one of his prospective in-laws worked for an airline and had some comp airfare to use.

The groom got back to New Jersey barely four hours before the ceremony, and was barely able to stay awake long enough to say:

- I do.

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:

- Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check.

In a short time he received the following reply:

- Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine.

Proof That Jesus Was Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Proof That Jesus Was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

Proof That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

Proof That Jesus Was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

Proof that Jesus Was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion and finally

Proof that Jesus Was Black:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the ASPCA
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"

And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!"
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"

What do you call Batman and Robbin run over?
→ Flatman and Ribbon.