Most viewed jokes

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained:

- It's the pharmacist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to accuse the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him:

- Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is till ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, I finally got back to answer it.

The pharmacist continues:

- It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!!!

He's so dumb, he thinks the Kentucky Derby is a hat.
He's never slept with his wife. He says it isn't honorable to sleep with a married woman.
He's so dumb, he thinks the English Channel is a British T.V. station.
He's so dumb, he thinks the St. Louis Cardinals are appointed by the Pope.
He lost his dog, but he won't put an ad in the newspaper. He says it's no use -- his dog can't read.
He still hasn't bought an electric toothbrush. He doesn't know if his teeth are AC or DC.
He jumped off the bus backwards when he heard someone say:

- Let's grab his seat when he gets off.

He heard that a man gets hit by an automobile every twenty minutes. He said:

- What a glutton for punishment, that guy!

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts:

- Ready . . . Aim . . .

Suddenly the brunette yells:

- Earthquake!!

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts:

- Ready . . . Aim . . .

The redhead then screams:

- Tornado!!

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts:

- Ready . . . Aim . . .

The blonde shouts:

- Fire!!

A man walks into a bar and finds a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for. The bartender replies:

- Every night we have a contest that you have to complete three tasks to win all the money in the jar.

The man asks:

- What are the tasks?

- First, you have to go over to Jimmy the bouncer and knock him out with one hit.

- Then, well, there's a pitbull out back and you have to pull its blunt tooth out.

- Finally, the bosses wife is up stairs and you have to go pleasure her, but you have to put down ten dollars to play - said the bartender.

- Damn - says the man.

Later that night, after several drinks, the man smacks down a ten dollar bill and says:

- I'm in.

He walks over to the bouncer and swings. One hit he's out cold.

The man falls flat on his face also, but gets up and walks out back. All you hear is the dog howling. Then the man steps back in, goes over to the bartender and asks:

- Now where's that lady with the blunt tooth.

Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
→ It has a 12 month waiting list.

What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
→ A St. Patrick's Day Parade

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
→ Regular rocks are too heavy.

Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
→ Because they're always a little short.

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
→ He's Dublin over with laughter!

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
→ He couldn't afford plane fare.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
→ Patty O'furniture!

How did the Irish Jig get started?
→ Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up:

- You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.

- I'm sorry sir, I...

- Not you - says the Irishman.

- I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in andasked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said:

- there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce. As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added:

- and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said:

- you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressedwith the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.

- Where are you from son?

The boy replied:

- Minnesota sir.

- Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota - asked the manager.

The boy replied:

- They're all just whores and hockey players up there.

The manager was shocked and replied:

- My wife is from Minnesota!!

The boy answered:

- Really! What team did she play for?

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

A variation

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.

Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"

The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."

Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:
They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosum is being pressured.

Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.

At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top.

Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.

Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.

Big Johnson is making a final drive.

Passionate Lady is coming.

At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head.

Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up.

Clean Sheets never had a chance.

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over.

- Didn't you see the arrow, buddy? - he asked.

- An arrow? - the confused driver said.

- I didn't even see the Indians