Most viewed jokes

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles.

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.

At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!).

The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.

The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported:

- They're shooting at me!.

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book?
→ Because they all have phones.

Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know where they are. The first guy says:

- I'll find out

and puts his arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says:

- We're just over Paris

- How do you know - ask the others.

- Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower.

Later on the second guy tries and says:

- We just flew over London

- How? - asks the others.

- Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben

Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the plane, and says to the others:

- We have just flown over Glasgow.

- How do you know that? - comes the reply.

- Because some bastard has just stolen my watch

An elderly couple, living apart, had been dating for several years. One day Elmer said to Betsy:

- We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate food and cooking separate meals. We should just move in together.

- Betsy: Whose house would we live in?

- Elmer: Mine, it is already paid for.

- Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?

- Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine.

- Betsy: Who would do the cooking?

- Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes.

- Betsy: What about sex?

- Elmer: Infrequently.

- Betsy: Is that one word or two?

I knew this guy. He was a sound guy from Ireland.

He spoke to me one day and told me he was going to apply for a job.

He told me that he walked out because the guy asked me for my name and i said "Paddy Milligan". He said "How do you spell "Milligan"? he replied

- This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

- If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

- If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

- If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

- That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!

What is New Jersey's state bird?
→ The common House Fly.

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho Marx

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. -- H.L. Mencken

What's new? Most of my wife.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- Guitry

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
→ That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts!