Most viewed jokes

How do you make a butterfly?
→ Flick it out of the butter dish with a knife!

You know why there's a string on a tampon?
→ So the crabs can bungee jump.

Three guys are walking in an abandoned warehouse. They find a genie bottle. They decide to rub it.

A genie pops out. He says:

- I will grant you each one wish, but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for, a lawyer will get 2 times more than that.

The first guy says:

- I want a million dollars.

The genie says:

- Are you sure?

He says yes. poof The guy has one million dollars, and a lawyer gets two million.

The second guy says:

- I want a new car.

The genie says:

- A lawyer is getting two new cars then.

The guy says:

- Oh well. I want my car.

poof He has a new porche.

The third guy says:

- I want to be beaten half to death.

Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella. Father Murphy said, "Thank you, but I'm not sure I got it honestly. It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I'd ask him to share it with me. I stepped out from the doorway and said, 'Where are you going with that umbrella?' And he dropped the darned thing and ran."

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

- Everyone knows - the mother lectured him:

- that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.

- Oh really? - said the lifeguard:

- from the diving board!?!?

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to the other, "Hey, do you fancy dropping in there and getting shit-faced?"

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

- Your honor, - he said - I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.

- Why? - asked the judge. - He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?

- Well, your honor, - replied Carlson - I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply:

- For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was:

- Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here.

What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
→ Opens the car door.

How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
→ Kick open the car door.

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
→ More leg room.

What do blondes say after sex?
→ "Are you boys all in the same band?"

Why is a blonde like a door knob?
→ Because everybody gets a turn.

Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
→ Because she's been laid all over the country.

What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
→ Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
→ She drops her nail-file

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
→ Data transfer.

What do you call a basement full of blondes?
→ A wine cellar.

Why are there no dumb brunettes?
→ Peroxide.

What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
→ They're both empty from the neck up.

What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
→ They both wriggle when you eat them.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
→ From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
→ In case she locks the keys in her car.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
→ So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was arrested at the airport for drug smuggling?
→ It seems she bent over and someone saw fifty pounds of crack....