Most viewed jokes

Why did the blonde bake a chicken for three and a half days?
→ It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

- There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

- I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

- Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.

- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

- Prevent inbreeding: ban Country & Western music.

- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.

- Lord save me from your followers.

- God must love stupid people. He made so many.

- I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

- Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy:

- You're in charge of sweeping.

To the Irishman he says:

- You're in charge of shovelling.

To the Chinese guy:

- You're in charge of supplies.

He then says:

- Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian:

- Why didn't you sweep any of it!?

The Italian replies in a heavy accent:

- I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him.

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue:

- Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him.

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells...!!

- Supplies!!

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman:

- Give me six double vodka.

The barman says:

- Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.

- Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay.

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back:

- I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said:

- Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?

- Yeah, my wife!

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him scribbling furiously on a notepad.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about writing a will.

He said:

- Will, will,... WHAT WILL? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite!!

Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said:

- Nice pigs, Sir!

The President replied:

- These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied:

- Nice trade, Sir!

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender:

- give us two beers over here!

The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says:

- Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!

The man say's to the bartender:

- oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.

The bartender replied back:

- well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!

The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.

The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!

The bartender was amazed and says:

- alright lets try one more

This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says:

- lets see him play this!

The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.

The bartender shouted out:

- See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments!

And the man replies:

- Just give him a few more minutes...as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it, he'll play it!

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." The officer wanting to be sure so he asked "Please step out of the car and show me." So he got out with the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the tests they're giving now!"

Why are Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinksy, and O.J. Simpson such bad golfers?
→ Monica is a hooker, O.J. is a slicer and Bill doesn't know what hole to put it in.

- Fresh in from the JokesGalore.com News Wire...

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded we have more breaking news...

We are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song!

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal...stay tuned...