Most viewed jokes

One for the Mrs

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it...our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice butt!!!!!!!"

Men Are Like

Men are like....
Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like....
Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ....
Vacations. They never seem long enough.

Men are like....
Bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like ....
Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.

Men are like....
Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.

Men are like....
Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.

Men are like....
Chocolate Bars. Sweet,smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like....
Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like....
Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like....
Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like....
Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like....
Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like....
Lawn Mowers. If your not pushing one around, you're riding it.

Men are like....
Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like....
Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ....
Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.

On the High Seas

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.

As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted:

- Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

- Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants.

Momma Bear's Porridge

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

- Who's been eating my porridge - he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty!

- Who's been eating my porridge! - he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells:

- For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

- It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table.

- It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish.

- And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time...

- I haven't made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!

Four Doctors Talk Politics

An Israeli doctor said:

- Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor said:

- That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor said:

- In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said:

- Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.

Indiana Crazy Laws

- One man may not back into a parking spot becasue it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.

- Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.

- All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.

- Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.

- Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.

- State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.

- Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.

- A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.

- It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.

- Drinks on the house are illegal.

- It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.

- A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b))

- Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.

- Liquor stores may not sell milk.

- Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.

- Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.

- You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.

- Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.

- No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.

- Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.

- You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it.

- "Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal.

- You are required to pour your drink into a glass.

- It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.

- If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.

- Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.

- A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.

- The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (Repealed)

- It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offesnses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days.

- It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.

- It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.

- While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.

- You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It`s In the Book".

- Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.

- It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.

- No one may spit on the sidewalk.

A New Ten Speed

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike.

- Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300.

- Easy, Dad - the boy replied - I earned it hiking.

- Come on - the father said - Tell me the truth.

- That is the truth - the boy replied - Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!