Most viewed jokes

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days.

The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night.

The husband asked her about what.

She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00.

The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes!

Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that:

- I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys. The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went for $1000.00.

The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for.

Sell? The didn't sell yours... where in the hell do you think they held the auction!

- Calls people to ask them their phone number.

- Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.

- Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.

- Can easily be confused with facts.

- Can only remember her old passwords.

- Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.

- Can't distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor.

- Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.

- Can't program his way out of a for-loop.

- Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.

- Carrier wave unmodulated.

- Carries a tire gauge in her purse.

- Cart can't hold all the groceries.

- Cauliflower for brains.

- Changes hands and picks up a stroke.

- Charming as a carbuncle.

- Cheats when filling out opinion polls.

- Cheezwiz for brains.

- Chimney's clogged.

- Clock doesn't have all its numbers.

- Collects cards for Craig.

- Communications with him is limited to ping.

- Confused as a baby in a topless bar.

- Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.

- Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed.

- Contributes to the population problem.

- Could be considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility.

- Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy.

- Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.

- Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.

What is the best way to talk to a vampire?
→ By long distance.

What do pigs like with chow mein?
→ Sooey sauce.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Borg

- Borg who?

- Borg standard!

How can you mend King Kong's arm if he's twisted it?
→ With a monkey wrench.

Jack went to see the camp nurse.

- I fell last night - he said:

- And I was unconscious for eight hours.

The nurse was shocked:

- How awful. What happened?

- I fell asleep!

- Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?

- You have a broken finger!

What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
→ She turned it over and used the other side.