One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.
- Well, Your Honor - she replied coolly - I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
→ Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime.
To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads:
- I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading:
- Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?
What do you call A Tale of Two Mosquitoes?
→ A bite-time story.
How did the bootician style the ghost's hair?
→ With a scare dryer!
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
→ To keep their pants up.
During a funeral for a woman who had henpecked her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.
- Well, at least we know she got there all right - commented her husband.
What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
→ A bus driver knows the stops, and a cold stops the nose.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
→ A bird that talks in morse code!
