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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice:

- I'd like to try the bet

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man:

- what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?

The scrawny little man replied:

- I work for the IRS.

- Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?

- Daughter: You told me to change the baby.

How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics?

What does an accountant use for birth control?
→ His personality.

You know you're not a kid anymore when...

- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

- You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

- You are proud of your lawn mower.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.

- You call Olan Mills before they call you.

- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

- You sing along with the elevator music.

- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- You make an appointment to see the dentist.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

- Neighbors borrow your tools.

- People call at 9 pm and ask:

- did i wake you?

- You have dreams about prunes.

- You answer a question with:

- because i said so!

- You send money to PBS.

- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

- You take a metal detector to the beach.

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- You know what the word "equity" means.

- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

- Your ears are hairier than your head.

- You talk about "good grass" and you're refering to someone's lawn.

- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

- You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel "old folks MTV."

- You go bowling without drinking.

- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 S's: sensitivity, sincerity, and sharing. What does she get?
→ The 3 B's: burps, body odor, and beer breath.

A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So he goes off to Poland and asks the people:

- Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?

All the Poles reply:

- Meat? What is meat?

Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and asks the Soviets:

- Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?

All the Soviets reply:

- Think? What is think?

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and asks the Americans:

- Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?

All the Americans reply:

- Lack? What is lack?

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to Israel, and asks the Israelis:

- Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?

To which all the Israelis reply:

- Excuse me? What is excuse me?

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You'll be making under $7 an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY: You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:

- I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:

- I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says:

- Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here.

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!"

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, you could make a million dollars off of him!!"

"You speak to him," says the man, "He wants to be a doctor."

It seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats died on the same day.

When they got to heaven St. Peter said:

- I'm sorry, but I only have room for one poet. I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word 'Timbuctoo.' The one who creates the best poem I'll let into heaven.

So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, he starts:

- I stood upon the burning sand gazing at a far off land. A caravan came into view it's destination: Timbuctoo.

- Very good! - says St. Peter, Keats it's your turn. Do you think you can top that one?

Keats just smiled and started his poem:

- Tim and I a hunting went, and found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuctoo.