Most viewed jokes

Why did the jellybean jump off the cliff?
→ Because he wanted to be a smarty!

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself:

- I'd give anything to sink this next putt.

A stranger walks up to him and whispers:

- Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself:

- Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.

The same stranger moves to his side and says:

- Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says:

- Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says:

- You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.

- Nice to meet you - says the golfer.

- My name's...

- Father O'Malley!

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff... I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em!"

Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children?
→ When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.

Why don't they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
→ So they will have something to do in the afternoon.

A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat.

The first civilian on the shuttle was an English teacher. Now she's history.

Sven and Ole worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said:

- Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Then Ole goes in and sits down with the lady.

She asked Ole his occupation.

- Diesel fitter - he replied.

Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.

When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay.

The clerk explained:

- When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers.

Skill!...

- What skill? - yelled Sven.

- I sew the elastic on...

He pulls on it and says,.....

- Yep, diesel fitter.

A short guide to comparative religions:

Taoism : Shit Happens.

Buddhism : If shit happens it's not really shit.

Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah

Protestantism : Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism : This shit happened before.

Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad.

Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. evangelism : Send more shit.

Atheism : NO shit!

Jehovah's witness : Knock Knock Shit happens.

Hedonism : There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Existentialism : What is shit anyway?

Stoicism : This shit doesn't bother me.

Rastafarianinsm : Let's smoke this shit.

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

- I'm lost - said the man. - Can you put me up for the night?

- Certainly - the Chinese man said - but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.

- Ok - said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

- Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.

- Well, that's pretty crappy - he thought. - If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about.

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:

- Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

- Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.

What do you get if you cross Dracula with Al Capone?
→ A fangster.

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said:

- The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying:

- And that woman was my mother! - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly:

- The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!

The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out:

- ...and I can't remember who she was!