Most viewed jokes

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said fuck him! - he's only an egg!

Little boy blew Hey! He needed the money!

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.

Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said:

- What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!

The other bum says:

- Well, I dunno. Let me ask him - HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?

Top twenty new slogans for Valuejet Airlines:

- ValueJet: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

- ValueJet: We're Amtrak with wings.

- Join our frequent near-miss program.

- On flights, every section is a smoking section.

- Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

- Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.

- Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

- Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

- Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

- The kids will love our inflatable slides.

- You think it's so easy, get your own plane!

- Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

- Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

- ValueJet: We may be landing on your street.

- ValueJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

- Bring a bathing suit.

- Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

- That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

- Fly ValueJet. Find out there really is a God.

- ValueJet: A real man lands where he wants to.

Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
→ The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice:

- Shall we go home, Mother of Six?

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back:

- Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!

- Knock Knock!

- Who's there?

- Al!

- Al who?

- Al lied!

A guy rings his boss and says:

- I can't come to work today.

The boss asks why and the guy says:

- it's my eyes.

- What's wrong with your eyes? - asks the boss.

- I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead...

What did the fireman say when the church caught on fire?
→ "Holy smoke!"

- Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.

- Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

- Brother: Which is farther away - NY City or the moon?

- Sister: NY City. Why do you ask?

- Brother: Well, I can see the moon, but I can't see NY City.