Most viewed jokes

Which is the cheapest bicycle you can buy?
→ A penny-farthing.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Siamese Twins Barbie ...complete with surgical instruments

A guy walked into a bar and said:

- Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender.

But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up.

The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay.

Then the next day, the guy said:

- Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!

The bartender said:

- Why?

The guy replyed:

- You're violent when you're drunk!

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying:

- We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again:

- Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies:

- I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats:

- I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.

The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies:

- I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica.

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Three generations of hookers were sitting around the brothel one day just talking about the business. The youngest one complained:

- You know Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a fuck for $100! I don't think I can stay in business at those prices.

Her Mom thinks for a while and says:

- Well dear, in my day we would give a blow job and for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky to get that!

Grandma looks at her daughter and her grandaughter and says:

- The both of you don't know what tough times really are. Back during the depression we used to give blow jobs for free because we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!

What did the salad say when the cabbage interrupted their meal?
→ Lettuce alone!

A famous magician had a thundering finish to his act. He would fill a large bowl with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the amazement of his audience.

One night he had just begun the wow finish of his act when he stopped in his tracks.

- Go ahead - said the stage manager:

- Eat the shit, eat the shit!

- I just can't do it - said the magician:

- There's a hair in it!

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said:

- I am going to lock you away for five years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away.

The Englishman says:

- I'll have five years' supply of beer!

His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.

The Frenchman says:

- I'll have five years' supply of brandy!

His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.

The Polak says:

- I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!

His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.

Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather drunk.

Finally, they release the Polak, who comes out and says:

- Has anyone got a light?