Most viewed jokes

What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet?
→ Egyptian dummies.

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom:

- Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water.

- Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below? - asks a little old lady, terrified.

- Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs.

- And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more? - asks the little lady.

- Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much.

Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?
→ Cause all of their runners, swimmers, and jumpers are in the United States.

What's the difference between a duck?
→ One of it's legs is both the same. (just say it to confuse people)

Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed.

Guest: I'll make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

Hear what the Poles did with all their gold medals?

Went home and got them bronzed.

Well, one day, an idiot looking for a job finally came across a cigarette stand that was accepting anyone as there cashier. After being turned down for every job he filed for, he accepts this low paying job.

One day, a woman comes to the stand:

- Hey, sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?

- I dont know - replies the stupid cashier.

The woman leaves unsatisfied.

THe boss, having seen this goes up to him and screams:

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW, THEY COST 10 CENTS, GOD!!!!!!

- 10 cents? I will have to remember that - said the cashier.

The next day, another woman comes:

- hey sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?

- 10 cents ma'am

- Really?, are they fresh?

- I dont know

So the woman leaves.

The boss, having spied this screams:

- WELL OFCOURSE THEY ARE FRESH YOU NINCOMPOOP, WHAT DO YOU THINK? THEY ARE SOUR OR SOMETHING?

So the cashier memorizes:

- Yes, very fresh

The next day, another woman comes and says:

- Hey sonny, now much do those cigaretts cost?

- 10 cents - He replies.

- Are they fresh?

- Very fresh

- Should I buy them?

- I dont know

So the woman leaves.

The boss having seen this goes to scream at him again:

- YOU MORON, WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT, YOU HAVE TO SAY 'If you dont, somebody else will' OK?

- ok, gotcha boss

So the next day, the little shop gets robbed by a guy with a gun.

He goes up to the cash register and screams:

- HEY, how much money is in that cash register?

- 10 cents sir

- WHAT? ARE YOU BEING FRESH TO ME?

- Yes, very fresh sir

- SHOULD I SHOOT YOU?

- If you dont, somebody else will

Do you remember the Charlie Brown specials that taught valuable life lessons to a generation of kids? Well here are some new episodes:

Peanuts specials for kids of the 90's:

- We learn about VD in: "IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN"

- Charlie and the little redheaded girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in: "I'M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!"

- Is Linus gay? "ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN"

- Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in: "OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?"

- See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in: "NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"

- Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in: "IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN"

- What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in: "GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN"

- Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in: "ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!"

- Charlie Brown gets his first job in: "WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?"

- Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in: "GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN"

- Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in: "WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?"

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

- Yes - he said. - I do. My father taught me.

- Good. What comes after three.

- Four - answers the boy.

- What comes after six?

- Seven.

- Very good - says the teacher. - Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?

- A Jack.

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

- Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!