Most viewed jokes

What's red and goes up and down?
→ A tomato in an elevator.

What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
→ We have to stick together.

What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
→ Hello, hello.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
→ A bulldoser.

When is a baseball player like a thief?
→ When he steals a base.

What did the can say to the can opener?
→ You make me flip my lid.

What is a volcano?
→ A mountain with the hiccups.

What do you find at the end of everything?
→ The letter "g".

What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
→ He called a toe truck.

Why do two skunks argue?
→ Because they like to kick up a stink.

What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
→ You can count on me.

What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
→ Put them in a barking lot.

Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
→ He wanted to be a cool cat.

What did the painter say to the wall?
→ One more crack and I'll plaster you.

Why is baseball like a cake?
→ They both need batters.

What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
→ Take me to your weeder.

What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
→ Slippers!

What did the rug say to the floor?
→ I've got you covered!

How do you make antifreeze?
→ You steal her blanket.

Why does a cow wear a bell?
→ Because her horns don't work.

- The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

- You were born somewhere else.

- You know how to eat an artichoke.

- The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

- Your car has bulletproof windows.

- Left is right and right is wrong.

- Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

- Your mouse has only one ball.

- You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

- You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

- You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

- You drive to your neighborhood block party.

- Your family tree contains 'significant others'.

- Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.

- You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

- You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

- More than clothes come out of the closets.

- When 'the Dead' are best live.

- You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

- More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

- Smoking in your office is not optional.

- When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.

- Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

- Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

- You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

- You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

- A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

- When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'. All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'.

- You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

A man goes to his doctor and says:

- I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?

The doctor replies:

- Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says:

- What's for dinner, honey?

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says:

- Honey, what's for supper?

She replies:

- For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf idiot!

What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails?
→ He cut all his fingers off!

Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin?
→ It wanted to play squash.

Why did Dracula miss lunch?
→ Because he didn't fancy the stake.

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
→ The champire!

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing.

- I'm blessing it - the priest replied.

The rabbi replied:

- Oh,

then he ran back into the synagogue.
He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

What's the best thing about turning 65?
→ No more calls from insurance salesmen.

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."