Most viewed jokes

The following are actual incidents reported...

#1
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

#2
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

#3
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said:

- I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball.

He replied:

- Highway patrolmen don't have balls.

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?

The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis

Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!

- I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!

- Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!

- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.

- I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.

- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

- If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!

- I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water.

- At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.

- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!

- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.

- HELP! Mypenis is lost...can you help me find him?

- Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.

- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.

- Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.

- Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.

- Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!

- Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?

- I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.

- When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

- I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

- The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

- I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.

- I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

- An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

- I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

- I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

- In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

- I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.

- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks:

- What's are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies:

- Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.

- Oh I see - replied the boys pensively.

- Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks:

- Why are there 3 in this package?

The dad replies:

- Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

- Cool! - says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks:

- Then who are these for?

- Those are for college men - The dad answers.

- TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.

- WOW! - exclaimed the boy.

- Then who uses THESE? - he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied:

- Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...

What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt?
→ 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.'

What do you call a show full of lions?
→ The mane event!

Why is a pig in a water trough like a penny?
→ Because its head is on one side and its tail is on the other.

- Teacher: Fred, give me a sentence starting with "I."

- Fred: I is . . .

- Teacher: No, Fred. You must always say "I am."

- Fred: Oh, right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

What do you get when you cross a Fire Chief two Lotus Notes Gurus?
→ FireWeb .... of course!

What's the most famous coffee in Afghanistan?
→ Osama bin Latte