You're momma so fat, she be sellin' shade!
You're momma so ugly, she walked down the street and got arrested for indecent exposure!
You're momma so old, her s*#t has wrinkles!
You're momma so stupid, she gave birth to you and asked the doctor if you were hers!
You're momma so poor, her idea of big spendin' is buyin' a gumball!
4 Doctors were talking shop one day...
An Israeli doctor said:
- Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.
A German doctor said:
- That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor said:
- In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said:
- Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!
My wife came home yesterday and said:
- Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.
I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.
I thought for a moment, then said:
- You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator.
- No, there's definitely water in the carburetor - she insisted.
- OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?
- In the lake!
Good girls say:
- thanks for a wonderful dinner...
Bad girls say:
- what's for breakfast?
Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.
Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.
Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.
Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.
Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.
Good girls love italian food...
Bad girls love italian waiters.
- Mother: Why was the phone busy all night?
- Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.
Where do old bowling balls end up?
→ In the gutter!
- 1st Monster: What is that son of yours doing these days?
- 2nd Monster: He's at medical school.
- 1st Monster: Oh, what's he studying?
- 2nd Monster: Nothing, they're studying him!
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
- Was it my friend Sam - he demanded.
- No! - his weeping wife replied.
- Was it my friend Jim then? - he asked.
- NO!!! - she said even more upset.
- Well which one of my no good friends did this then? - he asked.
- Don't you think I have any friends of my own? - she snapped.
Farmer Giles is so interested in conserving energy, he built a pig-powered car.
He has to get rid of it, though. Every time he turns a corner, the tires squeal
Where do blind sparrows go for treatment?
→ The Birds Eye counter!
