Most viewed jokes

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains:

- I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5.

Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says:

- O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!

Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question:

- What's the distance from the earth to the moon?

Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer:

- What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?

The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks:

- Well what's the answer to the question?

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

A soldier goes into the hospital for surgery after being wounded in battle.

Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bedside.

- So tell me Doc, what did you do to me?

The doctor says:

- Son, we have some good news and some bad news.

- Yeah, what? - replies the patient.

- Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts.

- Yes, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?

- We put them under your pillow!

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing. A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?" Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts!

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!

Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.

A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."

Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground.

"What's brown and sticky? A stick.

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?

"Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.

What do you give an elephant with diarreha? Lots of RoomWhat does mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.

Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work!

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says...

"OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.

Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.

The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife:

- Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?

The farmer's wife replied:

- It needs to be a little bigger around.

So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around.

About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer's wife again:

- How does it feel now?

The farmer's wife responded:

- I think it needs to be a little longer.

So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.

The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife:

- How was the Martian man?

To this, the farmer's wife replied:

- Fine.

- And how about the Martian woman?

The farmer replied:

- That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
→ Frosted Flakes.

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says:

- Someone should go and tell his wife.

Bill says:

- OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.

2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says:

- Where did you get that, Bill?

- Steve's wife gave it to me.

- That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?

Bill says:

- Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'

- 'No, I'm not a widow.' - she said.

And I said:

- Wanna bet me a six-pack?

A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job.

During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says:

- Yes, I fought over in Vietnam.

Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.

The guy responds:

- Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my testicles off.

- Great!, - responds the interviewer... we give disabled Vet preference.

- You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.

- But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.? - asks the guy.

- Yes, but you don't have to come in until 10...

All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

- Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you? - says the bartender.

- Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!

- Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house.

So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.

- If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?

- I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!

- Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?

- Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...

BAD DOG!

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

- I will have to go home and come back later.

The woman says:

- Unbutton your shirt.

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says:

- That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me - and she processed his application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says:

- You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.

- Batteries not included.

- Been napping in front of the ion shield again.

- Been playing with his wand too much.

- Been playing with the pharmacy section again.

- Been short on oxygen one time too many.

- Been using her head as a mass driver.

- Blew his O-rings.

- Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.

- Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head.

- Blown/leaking head gasket.

- Born a day late and like that ever since.

- Born during low tide in the gene pool / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.

- Born ugly and built to last.

- Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.

- Brain is running on empty.

- Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.

- Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.

- Brain transplant donor.

- Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.

- Bright as Alaska in December.

- Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.

- Brings binoculars to submarine races.

- Broadcasts static.

- Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.

- Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.

- Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.

- Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.

- Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.

- Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

- Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.