Most viewed jokes

How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
→ By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

What do you call Magic Johnson on rollerblades?
→ ROLLAIDS!

A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:

You were born Protestant.
You were raised Protestant.
But now you are Catholic!

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying:

You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow.
But now you are fish!

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:1. He went into his father's business.2. He lived at home until the age of33.3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:1. He never got married.2. He never held a steady job.3. His last request was a drink.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:1. His first name was Jesus.2. He was always in trouble with the law.3. His mother wasn't married to his father.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:1. He talked with his hand.2. He had wine with every meal.3. He worked in the building trades.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:1. He called everybody brother.2. He had no permanent address.3. Nobody would hire him.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:1. He never cut his hair.2. He walked around barefoot.3. He invented a new religion.

Stupid people

LICENSE TO STEAL
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted:

- Nobody move!

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him

What's Dracula's car called?
→ A mobile blood unit.

What do you get if you cross Dracula with a snail?
→ The world's slowest vampire.

Why did the vampire have pedestrian eyes?
→ They looked both ways before they crossed.

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived.

One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all.

Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three:

- Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???

Goldblum shuddered.

God went on:

- I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!

Goldblum sighed with relief.

- Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?

Bauman hung his head in shame.

- Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions.

Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says:

- You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying:

- Closed for the Holiday !!!

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

- Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!

- Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.

- Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?

- Yep.

- Did they chop your firewood?

- Yep.

- Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.